When a loved one passes away in another country there are ways to cope with the grief without your relatives around

It's always upsetting when a friend or relative dies.

But when you’re thousands of kilometres from home and can't even get a hug from your nearest or dearest or laugh about
memories of the one who passed away it can make the sadness feel ten times worse.

As a resident of a city of expats the sad reality is, if it hasn’t happened already, sooner or later you’re going to experience the death of somebody who may be close to your heart but not to your home.

The lucky ones among us will have enough money and kind-hearted bosses who’ll let us simply jump on a plane and be with our grieving families but what about those who don’t?

Lauren Donavan, whose grandmother died last week, is now in the UK with her family. She says she doesn’t know how she would have dealt with the pain had she not had the option to go home.

“There was nothing I could do while I was in Dubai and I felt useless. This was the first major thing that has happened with my family while I’ve been away from home and the feeling was awful.

My family means a lot to me so I would of done all I could to get there.“

Similarly Jane Fernandez’s grandmother passed away recently. She says experiencing such a situation without being able to cleave to her family was upsetting but on the other hand she felt like she’d been able to avoid some of the grief . “It made me feel further from home than ever. I felt helpless to be so far away and not be able to comfort my mum and also very alone in my own grief - here there is no one who knew my Gran to talk about her or reminisce with,” she explains.

“So in some ways it has made it harder but on the other hand I have been able to ‘escape’ from the bad news at times as I am not surrounded by lots of other very sad people. I’m not sure if that is healthy or not - I expect it will hit me more when I get home for the funeral.”

Psychologist Devika Singh from Dubai Herbal and Treatment Centre offers grief counseling and says not being able to be a part of the grief with the rest of your relatives and friends sometimes means you don’t deal with what’s happened properly.

“The thing about not being able to go back and, depending on the individual, not being able to see the body of the loved one or grieve means it almost doesn’t set in sometimes. 

“Friends here don’t really know about friends or family back home and it and it means there’s often very little opportunity for
closure,” she explains.

“Grieving rituals such as coming together and bonding have developed over time because they worked to help people get over a loss. Human beings release the chemical oxytocin during these bonding sessions which helps.”

If you are grieving and are unable to be with your friends or family Devika says it’s important to keep in touch by other means.

“Communication really helps with the grieving process because there’s often a natural draw to want to talk to friends and family more than you would otherwise - not just for condolensces but to talk about memories of the person or check up and see how they’re doing, so try and stay connected.”

THERE REALLY ISN'T A 'RIGHT THING' TO SAY
With such a transient expat population, Psychologist Devika Singh says individuals need the support of their friends or colleagues more than ever yet often, because these friends haven't been around for long they don't know how to handle the situation.

“When it comes to death, many friends will report the reason they didn’t make contact with a friend who’s grieving is because they didn’t know what to say. They then regret that a lot later because the situation almost became about them,” she says.

“The important thing to remember is, the person who’s griveing really isn’t focusing on what you’re saying, often they just want to hear your voice and know there’s someone who can give them support.

The truth is there isn’t the ‘right thing’ to say, just say you’re thinking of them or even admit ‘I don’t know what to say but I wanted to call to see how you are and if there’s anything I can do’.”

If you need help getting over the loss of a loved one, call Dubai Herbal and Treatment Centre on 04 335 1200 or email devika1@gmail.com